A Successful Project

So, Laura is out of town with Mason visiting family.  This means that she has left me at home to my own devices.  A rare lapse of judgment on Laura’s part as I tend to get into trouble after she finds out what I have done with my free time.  Usually, this consists of some small project that goes awry.

For example…she wanted a hallway light installed at the bottom of the stairs because it was so dark.  Of course, I start the project when she is not home.  I find it easier to ask forgiveness than permission.  Anyway, after realizing that nothing is labeled in the breaker panel, I simply killed the power to the entire house with the exception of the bathroom, since I was the one that wired it and knew which breakers to leave on.  I start working on getting the wiring run when I saw that the entire upstairs was wired with single conductor wire with paper insulation.  Then Laura gets home…crap. So, it took a few more days to get all the old wiring tore out and new three conductor wire put back in.  Needless to say, Laura was not happy about being without power for three days.

With Laura now out of town, here we go again.  I decide that the yard needs mowed tonight.  A simple task, right?  Well, it should have been.  Where we live, if the wind isn’t blowing 30 mph, the mosquitoes will carry you off into the woods and make you the world’s largest pin cushion.  Fortunately for me, I am only allergic to a mosquito AFTER they bite me.  Then the itchy welt gets to be about the size of a quarter.  Ugg…therefore I tested the wind to make sure it was blowing hard enough to keep the mosquitoes away.  It was…good! 

We have a John Deere riding lawn mower with a 54 inch deck since we live on three acres and I am a lazy SOB.  Most of our property is grass which means even with the riding mower, it takes nearly three hours to mow.  Tonight, I was just planning on mowing the area in the acre of trees.  It had been about a month since the last mowing and I swore I saw some pigmies hacking through underbrush with a machete setting up home.  Time to take care of that.

In my opinion, a project is not really successful unless I have started a small fire.  Well, call this one a success.  Yes, in case you are wondering, I set the lawn mower on fire.

I get the lawn mower started and head toward the grove of trees.  Of course, with the trees sheltering the wind, I could see a black wall of mosquitoes just waiting for their next victim at the edge of the grove.  I go in anyway, mosquitoes buzzing everywhere, violating every inch of exposed skin.  I forge on knowing that it will not take very long to get done.  I get a whiff of something burning and assume the neighbor is burning their trash.  I continue mowing barely able to hang on to the mower as the mosquitoes try to carry me off into the wilderness and finish me off.  Then suddenly there were no mosquitoes to be seen.  That is when I realized that the neighbors were not burning trash.  There was thick white smoke pouring out from under the hood.

I look down and see sparks flying out from underneath the engine.  Ohh, that’s not good.  I bet I have just lost the main shaft bearing that drives the deck.  I get off, leaving the mower running so I could get a better look.  Mistake number one.  If the bearing is gone, a few more seconds won’t hurt things any more than they already are.  However there was too much smoke to see anything, which leads me into mistake number two.

The formula for fire is very simple.  All you need is a fuel source, an ignition source, and oxygen.  Fortunately, the last ingredient can be very conveniently found in the air we all breath.  With this in mind, I already had sufficient amounts of fuel and ignition but lacked the oxygen, hence the thick smoke.  Just as a mental note, the worst thing a person can do when there is an engine fire is to open the hood!  Which is exactly what I did.  Mistake number two.  With that small error in judgment, I successfully added the final ingredient to the fire formula, a sufficient amount of oxygen.  With the hood wide open, the smoking embers of a mouse nest (the fuel) that was built on top of the muffler (the ignition source) burst into flame.  For a second, I just stood there admiring the small bon fire I started, but quickly realized that I should probably put it out.  After finally getting the nest kicked off the muffler, I decided that this project was a success and drove back to the garage.  Now I just have to explain the scorch marks on the front of the mower.  Maybe Laura won’t notice!