So, Laura is out of town with Mason visiting family. This means that she has left me at home to my own devices. A rare lapse of judgment on Laura’s part as I tend to get into trouble after she finds out what I have done with my free time. Usually, this consists of some small project that goes awry.
For example…she wanted a hallway light installed at the bottom of the stairs because it was so dark. Of course, I start the project when she is not home. I find it easier to ask forgiveness than permission. Anyway, after realizing that nothing is labeled in the breaker panel, I simply killed the power to the entire house with the exception of the bathroom, since I was the one that wired it and knew which breakers to leave on. I start working on getting the wiring run when I saw that the entire upstairs was wired with single conductor wire with paper insulation. Then Laura gets home…crap. So, it took a few more days to get all the old wiring tore out and new three conductor wire put back in. Needless to say, Laura was not happy about being without power for three days.
With Laura now out of town, here we go again. I decide that the yard needs mowed tonight. A simple task, right? Well, it should have been. Where we live, if the wind isn’t blowing 30 mph, the mosquitoes will carry you off into the woods and make you the world’s largest pin cushion. Fortunately for me, I am only allergic to a mosquito AFTER they bite me. Then the itchy welt gets to be about the size of a quarter. Ugg…therefore I tested the wind to make sure it was blowing hard enough to keep the mosquitoes away. It was…good!
We have a John Deere riding lawn mower with a 54 inch deck since we live on three acres and I am a lazy SOB. Most of our property is grass which means even with the riding mower, it takes nearly three hours to mow. Tonight, I was just planning on mowing the area in the acre of trees. It had been about a month since the last mowing and I swore I saw some pigmies hacking through underbrush with a machete setting up home. Time to take care of that.
In my opinion, a project is not really successful unless I have started a small fire. Well, call this one a success. Yes, in case you are wondering, I set the lawn mower on fire.
I get the lawn mower started and head toward the grove of trees. Of course, with the trees sheltering the wind, I could see a black wall of mosquitoes just waiting for their next victim at the edge of the grove. I go in anyway, mosquitoes buzzing everywhere, violating every inch of exposed skin. I forge on knowing that it will not take very long to get done. I get a whiff of something burning and assume the neighbor is burning their trash. I continue mowing barely able to hang on to the mower as the mosquitoes try to carry me off into the wilderness and finish me off. Then suddenly there were no mosquitoes to be seen. That is when I realized that the neighbors were not burning trash. There was thick white smoke pouring out from under the hood.
I look down and see sparks flying out from underneath the engine. Ohh, that’s not good. I bet I have just lost the main shaft bearing that drives the deck. I get off, leaving the mower running so I could get a better look. Mistake number one. If the bearing is gone, a few more seconds won’t hurt things any more than they already are. However there was too much smoke to see anything, which leads me into mistake number two.
The formula for fire is very simple. All you need is a fuel source, an ignition source, and oxygen. Fortunately, the last ingredient can be very conveniently found in the air we all breath. With this in mind, I already had sufficient amounts of fuel and ignition but lacked the oxygen, hence the thick smoke. Just as a mental note, the worst thing a person can do when there is an engine fire is to open the hood! Which is exactly what I did. Mistake number two. With that small error in judgment, I successfully added the final ingredient to the fire formula, a sufficient amount of oxygen. With the hood wide open, the smoking embers of a mouse nest (the fuel) that was built on top of the muffler (the ignition source) burst into flame. For a second, I just stood there admiring the small bon fire I started, but quickly realized that I should probably put it out. After finally getting the nest kicked off the muffler, I decided that this project was a success and drove back to the garage. Now I just have to explain the scorch marks on the front of the mower. Maybe Laura won’t notice!
They say that you are never to old to learn something new. Mason is making sure that I continue to get educated. For example, Mason is teaching me a foreign language along with sign language. Of course, it is a language unique to him that requires gestures to convey to those of us “un-learned” individuals. Laura has already made the transition. She cannot speak Mason’s vernacular, but she certainly understands it better than I do. He will come up to me, rattle off a string of garbled sounds, point, gesture and expect me to know exactly what he wants. Laura will then chuckle to herself and get him a juice box, or get Monkey off the top of the entertainment center after he threw it up there, or make him lunch. She chuckles…at me…because I get that “What…” look on my face. I am a little slow in translating the garbled noises.
Recently, Mason has been teaching me the many uses of the phrase ‘aww man’. Let me set this up so you can say it correctly. The ‘aww’ is in a low voice and the ‘man’ is in a high voice. Aww, man. There are apparently many situations that call for ‘aww, man’, for example…
Mason sometimes gets in his own way and will randomly trip over his own feet walking across the room. As soon as he hits the floor…”Aww Man”
Mason is growing like a weed and is not always aware of how tall he actually is. Grandma and Grandpa have an island in the middle of their kitchen where the countertop hangs over about a foot an a half around the base. They also have a drawer in the kitchen dedicated to Mason’s toys. Convenient, but sometimes a hazard for Mason. He will grab a plastic phone with wheels and pull cord out of the drawer and start dragging it across the kitchen floor. Of course, he has his head cranked around backwards looking at the toy and walks directly into the counter top, which incidentally hits him in the side of the head. After picking himself up off the floor and rubbing his head… ”Aww Man”
We were given a small step stool for Mason, which does nothing other than extend his reach to get into things that he shouldn’t be in…thanks again Grandma. Mason has figured out that if he places the step stool right under the pantry shelves, he can reach the junk food. I do not particularly like Mason tanking up on junk food just before supper. When I see him walk into the room with a container of Pringles, I immediately tell him to put them back. Mason responds…”Aww Man”
Our outside dog, Buddy, likes to touch his nose to Mason’s face as a friendly greeting when Mason goes outside. I have at least got the licking stopped, but I am not able to break Buddy from touching his wet nose on Mason’s face. Buddy is just too excited to see him. Obviously, Mason is not thrilled with the greeting. He swipes his arm across his face and… ”Aww Man”
When loading a heavy rock into his Tonka Truck…"Aww Man"
This seems to be his favorite phrase and uses it constantly. It is kinda comical…for a while…until I have heard it for the hundredth time that day.
I can’t wait to see what Mason will be teaching me next.
Well, it is six in the morning and I’m laying here in bed wide awake. I think I will put together a to-do list for today. That way, I can maximize my activities and make sure I get everything done.
1. Get out of bed at six am. Quietly sneak down stairs and find the Oreo cookies. This will make an excellent breakfast along with a juice box I can now reach in the refrigerator.
2. Sit in Dad’s easy chair and smear Oreo cookie cream all over…because it’s fun and quite messy. Return cookie package back where I found it.
3. After breakfast, locate ink pen which I have hidden inside the foam dog bed. This is the best spot to hide things because Mom and Dad have not figured out where I have been hiding all the pens and pencils I steal off the desk.
4. Write on walls with blue ink and return pen to hiding spot.
5. At ten minutes to seven, sneak back upstairs. Walk into Mom and Dad’s room. Work up some tears and start crying for no good reason other than to get Mom’s attention.
6. After Mom gets up, lead her down stairs to the kitchen, point to the cereal I want to eat and continuously say juice, over and over again until Mom gets some out of the fridge.
7. Lead Mom to the living room to turn on the TV so I can watch Curious George which comes on at seven.
8. Stare at the TV for thirty minutes…
9. After Curious George, walk around the house whining and fake crying for two and a half hours until Mom gets sick and tired of it and gives me a snack.
10. After ten minutes of snacking, start screaming and crying to get let down from the highchair. When Mom ignores me, throw the rest of my banana across the room.
11. After Mom lets me out of the highchair, empty the toy box and begin scattering toys throughout the house.
12. When bored of previous activity, go into the bathroom and un-roll all the toilet paper and tear it in to many, many…many pieces.
13. Quickly leave bathroom and deny everything when I hear Mom ask “Mason, what are you doing?”
14. Chase Tootsie and Hyde around the house with my John Deere toy lawnmower until Tootsie turns and snaps at me.
15. Cry to Mom yelling owie, owie, owie pointing to my arm and laugh when Mom yells at Tootsie.
16. Eleven o’clock, start begging for lunch.
17. Continue begging for lunch.
18. Get on dining room table for attention.
19. Continue begging for lunch.
20. Noon, lunch time.
21. When finished with lunch, smear some of what I didn’t eat in my hair and throw the rest on the floor.
22. Cry and throw myself on the floor when Mom says that I need a bath (knowing what I had done in the bathroom earlier).
23. When Mom questions why there is a pile of shreaded toilet paper on the floor of the bathroom, distract her by showing her the bathtub…”Ta-daaaa”.
24. After my bath, play a game with Mom I call “make mom all over the house chasing a naked two year old”
25. Chase Tootsie around the house again, only this time with my Tonka truck until Tootsie turns and snaps at me.
26. Cry to Mom yelling owie, owie, owie pointing to my arm and laugh when Mom yells at Tootsie, again.
27. Sit in timeout for torturing the dog.
28. Pout for half an hour for having to sit in timeout.
29. Go back to scattering toys throughout the house for the rest of the afternoon.
30. When Dad gets home from work, lead him around the house introducing him to every room…”ta-daa”…”see”…”ta-daa”…”look, a chair!!” (with the exception of the living room due to the Oreo cookies smeared in his chair)
31. Beg and cry to go play outside.
32. Cry, standing outside, just out of reach of Dad when he says that it is time to go in for supper.
33. Eat supper and throw everything I don’t eat on the floor.
34. Cry after Dad says not to do that.
35. Make a lot of noise after supper making it impossible for Mom and Dad to watch TV.
36. Throw a fit when Mom says it’s time for bed.
37. Stall as long as I can by grabbing every book within reach and ask either, Mom or Dad, to read to me.
38. Stall some more by playing the ‘nite-nite game with Mom. ‘nite-nite mom’ – ’nite-nite Mason’ – ‘nite-nite mom’ – ‘nite-nite Mason’…etc. (since I know Mom has to have the last word)
39. Congratulate myself on a full, productive day and go to sleep.
Electronics in general provide us with nearly all the creature comforts we enjoy today. They make our cars more efficient, provide light to see in the dark, etc. Many of those comforts have made much of the culture that I am familiar with…well…lazy. Going to school, we had mechanical pencil sharpeners. You know the ones, they looked like an egg, had a hole in one end and a crank on the other. Stuck your pencil in the hole, cranked a couple times and voila, a sharp pencil. Fortunately, we no longer have to expend the effort of turning the crank. With the invention of the electric pencil sharpener, now all we have to do is stick the pencil in. Boy, what a relief…
While I am being overly dramatic here for effect, you get my point. I do not think that everything needs to be computerized. Yes, they make our lives easier, but for those of us that are too cheap to hire a repair guy to fix our stuff, this creates some unique challenges.
For example, about five years ago, Laura and I bought a LG front load high efficiency washer and LG dryer. Of course, both have computers to manage their operation. We really liked them until the washer started acting up recently. Laura was doing some laundry when it started making a growling noise when the drum turned one direction. Which happened to be a fifty percent reduction in the number of directions it used to turn. When the drum went to turn the opposite direction, it just made a high pitched squeal and didn’t turn. I’m thinking, great the motor has either burned out or has a bad bearing.
I decided to tear into the washer and do a little troubleshooting. Of course, Laura just wanted to call a repair guy. She hates it when I ‘troubleshoot’ her appliances. Anyway, after getting the back cover off I noticed that this particular washer is has a motor that directly drives the drum. Interesting design. However, this means that the brains of the operation is a computer to determine drum rotation and speed. Not looking good. I was able to get the motor off the drum with no problems. There were two gadgets attached to it with about half a dozen wires coming out. I deduced that one gadget was the speed and direction sensor and the other was where the power came from to drive the motor.
The drum turned very easily telling me that the problem was not a bearing. That’s good news. Back to the motor. At this point, all I can conclude is that either the motor has a short and needs replaced or the signal going to the motor in not correct. Unfortunately, I do not have the tools needed to troubleshoot the computer. I decided to clean up the terminals and the plugs to make sure that all the electric connections are good. After getting everything back together, I started the machine and the drum turned both directions for a little while before stopping. Ok, so it’s not the motor. Crap, it’s in the electronics. Time to call the repair guy. I hate admitting defeat like that, but at least I could tell him where to start and save myself a little money by him not having to do as much troubleshooting.
In one ear, out the other. As soon as he started the washer and heard the noise, he said it was a bearing and he would have to take it back to his shop. Unfortunately, I was at work at the time and was not able to argue with him. Several days later, he brought it back saying that the switch on the motor went bad. Really, so it was one of the gadgets on the motor, who might have suggested that several days ago?!? It cost us over $200 for the repair guy to change out a $20 part.
I really wish the story ended there, but no. So, a couple days later and about half the laundry from the previous days done, it breaks down again. Called the repair guy to come back out. Laura said she was not going to let him leave with the washer again. He replaced the exact same switch again. That was all it took…an electronic component…again. I’m starting to see a pattern.
It was not a complete loss though because Mason was able to extract some revenge on the repair guy. While he had his head stuck in the back of the machine, Mason snuck up behind him, got really close and yelled “BOOO”! Apparently the guy jumped a mile high. If only I could have seen in person. Good job Mason!
There are some things that children do that fill a parent with pride, like learning to cover their mouth when they sneeze. Yet, there is always something to balance the equation, like wiping their hand on your pant leg afterwards.
I have been working with Mason for some time now to cover his mouth when coughing and sneezing with mixed results. Mason was sneezing and coughing on anything and everything that may have been in his hands or directly in front of him. Occasionally when he sits on my lap, he will turn his head to look at me with that look he gets just before he sneezes…you know the one I’m talking about, mouth slightly open, eyes squinted with one smaller than the other and nose all scrunched up. I know that is my cue to close my mouth tightly as he is about to blow. A lesson to add to the “what not to do” list. That was a lesson I only had to experience once. Anyway, after a short pause, the sneeze gets released leaving me sitting there with…well you know…all over my face and glasses. Time for him to start learning to cover his mouth.
I set out on a mission to teach him to cover his mouth whenever he coughs or sneezes. I decided to start with the sneezing considering the types of projectiles that can be released through a sneeze. Not pleasant when they are headed in my direction. I started out simply telling him to cover his mouth after each sneeze. To my shegrin, that is exactly what he did, covered his mouth AFTER each sneeze. Sigh. Okay, so we at least have the concept, time to focus on the execution.
It was kind of entertaining watching the progression that Mason went through. After some more work and instruction, he would sneeze then cover his mouth and do two or three fake sneezes. Yeah, you read right, fake sneezes. I am still not really sure what the point was of him going ‘aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhccccccchhhhhoooooooo’ so dramatically into his hand, but I wasn’t going to risk correcting him on it. At this point I get the impression that he understands what he is supposed to but just doesn’t remember in time for the actual sneeze. Fortunately, the lead time on one of his sneezes, where he makes that weird face, is usually long enough for me to remind him. Finally, progress.
As time passed, Mason started covering his mouth before each sneeze. This was a great development in my eyes. Unfortunately, as I mentioned earlier, there is always something to balance the equation. While Mason was covering his mouth, he was now pushing the palm of his hand very hard over his mouth. You may be thinking, so what, who cares. Being an engineer, I tend to over analyze things to my wife’s dismay and terrible frustration at times. Of course I have analyzed the process of sneezing and have come to certain conclusions on the proper sneezing technique. Try to bear with me for a minute. Basically, the purpose of covering your mouth during a sneeze is not to stop the sneeze, but redirect it. Obviously, when someone sneezes, there is a lot of force behind it that projects…um, stuff…into the air. Without covering the mouth the…stuff…gets spread out in to the room. By covering the mouth, the…stuff…gets directed into the hand and reduces the airborne particles.
Back to Mason covering his mouth too tightly with his hand during a sneeze. This causes his sneeze to blow up in his face, literally. Uggg, how disgusting! Luckily, I taught Mason a neat trick to clean his face after such an event, to Laura’s disapproving glares mind you. I told Mason that he has two shirt sleeves which are an excellent substitution for a Kleenex. Now when he sneezes with his hand too tight over his mouth, he smears his forearm across his face to clean up. That is all fine and good as long as he has on long sleeves. While Laura glares at me every time she sees Mason do the arm wipe and sniffle technique, she did get a good laugh the day he had on short sleeves. I was sitting in my easy chair, heard Mason sneeze in the other room and do his wipe and sniffle technique. Of course, Laura shot me a disapproving look from the couch. I heard him say, eeewww. I chuckled to myself knowing that he had on short sleeves that day. However, my laughter quickly ended, and Laura started uncontrollably laughing when he walked up to me and wiped his arm on my leg. Huh, that kinda backfired. The worst part was Laura’s laughter at the whole situation. I am not sure that the pointing was necessary either.
